Sweet American Mullet

During a recent romp through campus I was fortunate enough to spot the majestical head dressing we know as the mullet.  I was half tempted to approach the spryly young David Allen Coe fan but, I my better judgement told me to just keep walking.  Now, it wasn't that I cared about him being less than pleased with my liberal douchebag approach to his sense of style but, I contemplated that he might think I was actually being social and I was in no mood for whatever conversation young Jethro might have thrown my way.

However, while gazing at that sweet piece of Americana I couldn't help but, to think that the mullet may be the quintessential hairstyle. Although not extremely pleasing to the eye, its a full-bodied cut with minimal frill. It takes a serious set of rhino balls to rock that bad boy and isn't that what America is about? Don't we aspire to be ballsy mutherfuckers not giving a shit about anyone else? (I mean, other than PETA (fuck PETA!) and Habit for Humanity or any of those other touchy-feely organizations hellbent on saving animals and people and shit.) And so it came to me, the mullet is the perfect embodiment of American values.

From the leisurely executive who has it all, to the blue-collared mill workers, sweating red, white, and blue, the bushy backside and clean and classy front of the mullet have been a symbol of strength, pride, and patriotism since the dawn of man.  Heralded by some for it's exotic glamour and devil may care attitude and hated by others for it's outspoken nature and menacing appearance, the mullet is the America of hairstyles.

Built upon a foundation of freedom, with a strong sense of business on top, the mullet is the ultimate display of patriotism.  Unlike the indecisive nature of the crew cut of the brute force of the buzz cut, the mullet gives an impression of fairness and sensibility with a slight bit of "boot up your ass" attitude, the classic demeanor of the hard-working American.  Symbolic of the wigs worn by our early forefathers, the mullet shines gloriously though a crowd of drab comb-overs and arrogant mop-tops, as a symbol of independence and determination.  If you could smell a mullet, it would smell like Jack Daniel's, apple pie, and the burnt-rubber from a Camaro barreling down country roads with a pretty little lady in the passenger seat, gold locks flowing against the southern sky.  It would smell like America.

A true symbol of achievement, the mullet has been sported by many of America's greatest heroes, including Billy Ray Cyrus, Chuck Norris, MacGyver, The Incredible Hulk, and my childhood-idol, the eco-friendly do-gooder Captain Planet.  The preferred haircut of the thinking man, Benjamin Franklin perfected an early version of the mullet, with a completely bald top and lushes mane growing from the back and  sides.  Pop-singer extraordinaire Lionel Richie rocked a jheri curl variation throughout most of his career, projecting him to the top of his professoin.  Teen heartthrob Mario Lopez, of Saved by the Bell fame, wore a jazzed-up, curly mullet, garnering him, much well-deserved attention from the ladies.  Even Florence Henderson, beloved Carol from the Brady Bunch, wore a mul

let during the opening sequence of the sitcom.  I mean, sheer versatility alone is reason enough to consider the mullet the greatest hair-grooming achievement in history.

So next time your out pimpin' with your homies and you peep a whack ass g with a mullet, (Oh... You don't speak thug?) don't point and laugh, walk straight up to that proud patriot and shake his hand because he's the total package my friend.  Besides, you don't want him cutting your brake line next time you go in for a tune-up, do you?

~ Jay