An open letter to Taco Bell

Ahem.

Dear Taco Bell,

Recently I finished part two of a four part dental procedure. Each part takes roughly four hours to complete. It has been painful so far, and I just finished roughly two straight weeks on a liquid diet consisting of Ensure and fruit juice. Sooooo....it was much to my joy when the dentist cleared me to eat solid food. I knew exactly where I was going for my first meal. I ordered two cheesy double beef burritos and even though I could hardly open my mouth enough to fit the food in, with each painful chew came a tear down my cheek. No not the tears from the agony of a complex dental procedure coupled with my mouth re-learning the art of chewing, but tears of joy from the taste of solid food. I was so succumb by the moment a poem jolted into my head. I wrote it down between painful bites. And here it is:

Through days of pain I patiently waited for you
Although you cared not for the pain I had been through
Long was the journey to run for the border
I entered your restaurant and could not hold back my order
The cheesy beefy goodness now destined for my stomach soon
You even offered me a spork, your attempt at a hybrid fork and spoon
But no eating utensil could aid me in the speedy consumption of your food
I had been depressed for two weeks but Taco Bell had brightened my mood
After finishing the burritos, like a Christmas tree my face was lit
And only a few seconds after finishing, I realized really had to take a...dump
FIN

What? The last line didn't rhyme? Oh well. This guy is a pro at it. Just don't take him to get doughnuts. Of course I have been deployed to combat zones for over a year at a time and always longed for Taco Bell while away. But this time was different, maybe because I would drive by a Taco Bell and knew that I couldn't have it. OH CURSE YOU TEMPTATION!


So really, Mr. and Mrs. Bell, I would like to take a moment for making me a happy man once again. But apparently I am not the first, nor likely the last. But really, I want to use this posting to reflect on how many great things you have provided us, the people of the world, aside from that damn dog. So let's go ahead and release some facts here.
Your food is good. Maybe good is not a strong enough word to describe how amazing your food is. But, so good, it has made it all the way to kids' lunchboxes via the Lunchable. Which by all accounts is an innovation of our generation that rivals the Industrial Revolution and the invention of punctuation and of course, this song.

And as if you needed any more help, you have Paris Hilton showing up to your counters of joy and merriment, ordering what is likely the best food she ever ate, immediately prior to her going to the restroom and throwing it up. Man, those are some huge ass sunglasses.



But back on topic. It isn't solely your menu or how you have always seem to be open after a long night of drinking, it is that you have also reached out to our disabled Americans as well. Satisfying their God-given right to enjoying your delicious Taco Bellyness.

All said, I could go on and on and on (to the breaka' breaka' dawn?) singing your accolades Taco Bell. But I wanted to at least send out this short note to express my heart-felt gratitude that you helped improve my quality of life. I am also sure there are some readers that may say, "Taco Bell isn't healthy Ed". To that I say, well, maybe, but if you had a choice between Taco Bell and McDonalds, based on the graphic I am about to provide you, which one would you choose?

Seriously, look at that fat fuck. Looks like he Crisco-squeezed his way out of husky size into oh my God you lard ass size jeans. Mean? Maybe, but no sir, NOT BY THE HANDS of Taco Bell. Good day to you sir. I put the blame squarely of Pork Chop McFattington's mom and dad...and McDonalds of course. Note: RIP to Count Chubby O'Flabbybelly's brother (pictured to his left) who was eaten by his fat fuck of a brother shortly after this photo was taken after being mistaken for a #4 Value Meal Super Sized with a Diet Coke. We all miss you Manuel.

Heart,

Your Pal Ed