Most Wonderful Place

I am going to tell you a tale of a journey into a mystical land. A land most males never venture due to pure fear. A place of bright lights, small passages, and narrow escapes. This is a magical land with only one entrance and one exit, the exit turns out to be a gauntlet of doom and destruction if you aren't smart and quick witted. If you ever venture to one of these places and live to tell the tale, you must, I repeat, you must warn others never to enter the forbidden zone. Luckily, I somehow survived. So, I am doing my duty as a soldier and a man to warn all of you. I bring you this story at the risk of my own life.

I was forced into a car, kicking and screaming, but there were too many of them for me to fight them all off. It was like me being the girl and my captor being Jason Statham in Transporter 2. I was shoved in the back, with no idea where I was heading. All I could tell was that I was apparently going somewhere that I didn't want, for I was taken in duress. Trapped in the back for nearly an hour, the door to the SUV finally opened and I was dragged out onto the street. As I gathered my wits about me, I realized that I wasn't alone. There were a few more like me in almost the same situation. We looked at each other, searching for the answer of what to do. It was obvious, none of us knew.

As I was dragged across a busy highway, dodging speeding cars and huge trucks, I thought I caught a glimpse of my captor's hideout. I couldn't tell though because just then a van came barrelling down on me and I had to dive to get out of the way. It was amazing that my captor was seemingly unfazed. Apparently they had only one thing in mind, getting me in and stable so they could do their dastardly deeds.

Suddenly, I saw an opening, so I made a break for it. I only made it a few steps, though, and was surrounded again. I felt foolish that no matter how hard I tried, despite all the training I have had, I was no match for my enemies. I hung my head in disgust as I realized, just like in Star Trek, resistance was futile.

I could see the entrance a few feet further and knew that once I crossed the threshhold, there was no escape. I had no idea how long I would be held in that god-aweful place, but I did know that I wasn't going to like it. I didn't even get to say goodbye to my friends and family. Upon entering the complex, it was like a hundred programmed robots attacked all at once, asking my captor if they needed any help. They, of course, with a snide smile, said no. I don't even think they realized that I was being held against my will. I needed to get a signal out, so I said I needed to use the bathroom and it was an emergency. I figured that was the best escape plan I had, maybe I could catch them off guard. Unfortunately, they didn't fall for it. They just kept saying it wouldn't be much longer. That definitely worried me.

As we walked, I kept trying to find the nearest escape route as we fell further and further back from the entrance. I realized it was hopeless. This would be the end of me.

Finally, my wife said she was finished and we walked out of Sephora with a pile of expensive makeup in hand. I am sure glad we got the tax return back because we would be even poorer now. We headed home and I turned to hockey to get some of my masculinity back.